Quotes from the Pillager!

As you shall soon see, I think that I'm clever and funny. :-)

These quotes need no attribution on this page, because they are all mine! On the other hand, if you want to quote me on these elsewhere, either "Eli Dupree" or "(the) Elvish Pillager" will be fine. I also don't mind terribly if you don't credit me at all, but I'd like it if you do.

• Million-in-one chances happen millions of times per day.
• Better, best, good.
• If you don't know facts, it can make you easier to manipulate. If you don't know feelings, it can only make you harder to manipulate. So the question is this: Do you have to not feel, in order to be impossible to manipulate, or can you get by just by knowing everything?
• Philosophers have become scientists. Knowledge has become power, so the quest for knowledge has become arrogance.
• There is no easy way to convert good intentions into good deeds.
• We can't allow freedom of speech until we can come to grips with the right to not listen.
• Ideas open possibilities, not carry weight.
• For any problem, there are many solutions, some of them right, all of them wrong.
• A religion is a body of absolutist assertions designed to shelter those who cannot abide the cold, hard uncertanties of real life.
• To feed good generals, you need good food. To grow good food, you need good pastures. To capture good pastures, you need good generals.
• Open your mind and watch the legions of despair pour in.
• Everyone who doesn't agree with me actually does agree with me, they're just too scared to face up to a reality that could possibly contain something as foreign to them as an agreement with me, of all people.
• I sometimes think that people only say that other people do stupid things for "attention" because they don't want to admit that people do things for even less reason.
• If you think only of the prize, you may daydream and fail the task. If you think only of the task, you may be distracted and cheated of the prize. If you think only of what you should be thinking of, you will lose yourself in philosophy and fail everything.
• Kids are good at seeing things because they haven't put on their wavy glasses yet.
• If God had wanted us to go to war in Iraq, he would have given us large-scale voter fraud and an evil warmongering President. Check!
• It's all fun and games until someone loses a lawsuit.
• If you have a problem, solve it. If you can't solve it, solve it anyway. If that doesn't work, get a better problem.
• The right words can do more damage than any weapon. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that the right words not fall into the wrong hands.
• If a dish that could not possibly exist is not served to you on a silver platter, don't blame the platter.
• Money is like love: You can't tell what it really is, but it motivates people to do weird things.
• Three people is three too many to keep a secret.
• You can lead a horse to religion, but you can't make him think.
• ...schools. Why is it that a supposedly democratic nation forces most of its citizens through an institution where they are subject to dictatorial rule on a daily basis?
• I have mind control powers. Unlike most people, I control my own mind.
• A story begins when the main character starts thinking.

If you're tired of that insightful stuff, here's some simple humor and tongue twisters:

• Give me a screwdriver long enough, and a place to stand, and I can screw the Earth.
• The salt of the earth is the cream of the crop, which doesn't come up if you salt the soil.
• Grind up a fairy, and you get fairy dust.
• "Mosquitos suck your blood" is a sentence which is just as true with the last two words left off.
• Say it: The nautilus nodded naughtily through the deep.
• Sinfulness is next to godlyness. Because there's nothing in between.
• The ancient and evil wizard unleashed a torrent of long forgotten profanities upon the hero.
• Through the window there is an office, in the office there is a computer, on the computer is Windows, and on Windows is Office.
• "Look," said the genie, "Why can't you wish for something normal, like innumerable riches? People have gotten along just fine for throusands of years on innumerable riches and opulent palaces."
• They set asp-traps in the apse to trap the apse asps.