Ugly
by Eli Dupree

"Let's go," I said, but she, my roommate, my
hate-her-but-do-everything-with-her roommate,
was still standing in front of her fancy mirror,
holding that delicate little brush. Eye-liner! I said,
"I don't even know why you use that stuff. So
shallow." "Easy for you to say," she said, "You don't need it to be attractive.
You don't need it to make my heart wrench whenever I
look at you." I started - "Are you...
attracted to me?" I said, "I mean, I know you're... you know...
but I didn't know you were like that for me." She said that it
was not exactly the sort of thing that would come up naturally
in a conversation. I said, "Alright," but she was still at it,
and it didn't help that I couldn't
stand her looks whether she used the
stuff or not. Of course I wasn't going
to mention that, so I went on,
"But can you hurry up? I have to see David at 4:00 so we
should get started." She stiffened. "Do you always have to do that?" she said. I
asked her what she meant and she said, "Mention whatever boy you're seeing! Every single
time I talk to you, you drop some boy's name, like I don't
have enough things to be jealous of you about." "You
want me not to talk now?" I snapped insanely, then
apologized (as she was cleaning up her things and
coming to sit down) and said "I don't know why I'm
so irritable recently," (as she pulled a textbook from
somewhere) "I think it's because midterms are coming
up" (as she set it next to mine on the desk) "or maybe
because my mother keeps calling to try to find out if I'm
still religious" (as she brought out pencils and paper) "or because I'm having trouble
in my job. It's all just --"
"It's about a boy," she said.
and then the fingers of my right hand stung
and the bright red mark blazed on the cheek of her pale ugly face that
went blank and indifferent the way it always did when she was angry
and she said, quietly, "That's the second time you've
slapped me this week. I don't have
to put up with this." I said I was sorry and I
said I wouldn't let it happen again and we worked together in silence and
hatred for an hour and another hour. But there was so much to do and we
didn't have enough time and as the last hour drew short she
wanted to go on but I said that David had told me to meet him at four
o'clock. "Told you?" she said, "Like you come at his call?" That made me
mad but I held myself back and just said, "That's a disgusting way
to put it." But she would have none of that
and she said that's exactly how it was and she
said "I would never sell myself like that."
"Easy for you to say," I snapped, "You've never had a--"
and then her hand shot out and grabbed a heavy three-hole punch
and then I was clutching my hands to my mouth but it didn't
soothe my throbbing teeth and it didn't stop the stream of blood. She stood over me,
not very tall in her high heels, in that cluttered room
with her blank ugly fury
and she said,
"You think it's easy for me to say that I wouldn't give up everything, for that one
person who would feel for me the way I feel
for her? You think it's
easy - have you ever been in love with someone who
found you revolting?
Have you ever been in love at all?"
And she swept our papers together and said she'd finish them herself for
both of us, and she left me sitting there stunned and immobile in front of an
empty desk. After a little while I
decided I could move again and I took out my cell phone and
called David to tell him
that he could go to hell at four o'clock
and then I tossed the thing aside and with my still-hurting teeth I stood
and walked over and lay down on my bed
and tried like an idiot not to cry.

~(April 2009)